Hug your Sophie

another day of jobless.

i need some plan. i need to work hard. Not like this. 

so many chores. future never shows a bit clarity to me. complacency is never being part of me. All i have is self-contempt. In a world full of competency, a commoner can only be a commonplace, isnt it.

Thoughts collide in my mind too hard and cause colossal pain. I tried to compel myself to be a combatant of life, but failed. Simply complying with those codes of life, i clump and clump and feel no hope. People say everything is circumstantial except happiness. But too many repulsive things that are compulsive clog your way. 

--

comprise=contain=include=compose

compact=condensed=convenent

commend=praise

circumspect=cautious

concurrent=simultaneous

circulate=spread

charter=rent

chatty=talkative

clandestine=secret

i have a feeling that every time i sleep with the heater on, nightmares come. I was dead thirsty the next day when i woke up and found it dame late already! Missed the beautiful and productive morning, as well as the morning sunshine coming into my small cozy room.

Sunshine is always a trigger of my lighthearted day. Especially on a sunny Sunday, nothing is more beautiful than working and studying with the sunshine. Pity that today it soon started to rain and rain. I have to pull the curtain across again. 

One thing i like here is that it never chill indoors in winter. I can wear shorts and enjoy cold yogurt while looking at the snows right across the glass window. However, in my hometown, winter seriously hampers my indoor activities a lot, even getting up in the morning. 

sigh, i dont expect sunshine again today. But have to push myself to get work done. However, he always suddenly jumps out in my mind. And those intimate moments. Oh, so miss. As usual, I put up the cell phone, and type, i ❤ u, and press send button. 

Words fail again. Pictures tell. 

it was like a dream.

Walking on the road, suddenly the light, sweet and beautiful snow started dancing in the still somber sky. Thats real big snow, sheer first snow! 

While my heart is still sobbing deep down about what happened yesterday, I exhaled and cleared my mind to enjoy the pure nice scene. Taking off my gloves, I tried to catch a piece of the white but it glistened for one second and disappeared completely. 

That's only a 15 minutes walk. As usual, I thought about him, one way to make me either forget about the sadness or recall the happiness. Amazing, isn't it? Love is always amazing; words just fail to describe it. My mind was leafing through the scenes in NYC, Niagara Fall, Toronto, D.C., everywhere we went. Only I know, 15 mins walk never seems boring to me. 

I was almost crushed yesterday, I don't even want to recall the moment when I saw the score on the screen. But the fears of bad results were in my mind all the time because unprepared exams were something I was so afraid of. When the fears became blooding and harsh realities, the only thing that could blame is my idleness. Though it hurt me to my core, it did teach me something. Sometimes we just have to learn from failure.

CG said, what did you expect then? When you don't put in time and effort, there will be consequences! You can't be lazy and just expect things to happen! You have to think long term and plan ahead. 

Those words were so true about me. But knowing these better late than never. 

First snowy day, first brand new day, first diligent day. Keep on. 

After the debacle for the past two years, seems like this is already the broad agreements. Basic finance is necessary, but hyperactivity of finance market has caused too much trouble and is totally counterproductive to the social welfare. However, nowadays, trouble makers still enjoy the higher payroll and numerous young people are competing to become future trouble makers. In my university, students who major in Finance are almost two thirds as many as students major in science, including chemistry, biology, math, physics, etc. 

Students' choice are not to be blamed. They are too much driven by the social view of so-called Genies investment bankers and traders who profess to have super skills and who obviously get the high remuneration. A friend of mine is now doing everything she could to get prepared for becoming an investment bankers. When asking her enthusiasm about such jobs, she said, to earn money and to prove herself. I myself changed major two years ago from science to finance right before financial crisis when banking industry appeared to be so attractive. 

Personally I believe the social view of finance should be responsible for the crisis. When the majority of the society inclines to making quick money by speculation such as outguessing the fluctuating foreign exchange markets rather than to run some long term business, when most of the people assertively believe in making money out of money by simply staying at home and handing over their wealth to those so-called genius people and when financially institutions are becoming ever aggressive on playing those intangible asset they make up, catastrophe finally came. 

People should have realized that real economic sector is what give us the elementary life needs and what is most dependable. Finance sector, should act a role on serve the real economy rather than bypass all other industries and become such a leading while mischievous player. However, even today, White House is still somewhat unable to free their minds from Wall Street thrall and nemurou young talents are not not intimidated by the crisis. 

I, of course, strongly desire a recovery of finance and thus a job. Admitting that it just gone through a nightmare, I never feel dismayed. But hopefully this time it is on a right way, because what we don't want to see is a replay. 

still wanna cry... wanna cry out loud...wanna lean on his shoulder...wanna tell mum and dad i want to go home. 

seek comfort from the people i love. 

It finally tells me what it means by No Pain No Gain.  Luck cant help you, nor does pray. 

Sitting on the taxi, my heart already cried. The driver was so nice to wish me good luck. But only I know how painful it is. Yes, it is too hard for me to accept this score. I would never imagine I will get a score like this. 

However, I should move on.

Too many tough things waiting for me on the road. I could not even stop and rest for a moment. Online applications, recommendation letters, personal statements. Tons of things. 

Maybe the disappointed score is a good thing for me. At least I learn something about life. 

看了叶子的博客，她一直不间断地记录着生活。那么真实，那么让人感同身受。心思细腻而敏感的孩子让人喜爱也让人心疼。可是那些看起来神经特别大条的人，谁说他们不会在无人的午夜啜泣呢。我就是很少表露自己的人。只有很少的他她，知道那些小小的秘密。只有很爱的他她，我无所顾忌。

想问每一个人一个问题，when was the last time u cried?

心情很差很差很差

可是找不到人说说话

寒冷而美丽的国度兴许会带给我很多快乐呢

期待这段遥远的旅程　期待见这个特殊的人

会有怎样的故事　会有怎样的心情

呢

大学倒数第二年匆匆结束了。在我还迷糊于本学期所学的东西时，在我还背不出所有tuto的上课地点时，在我还对期中成绩耿耿于怀时。猛然地醒悟到，大学，我只剩如此稀少的一个学年可以挥霍了。

校园里满是照相留恋的人群。校内到处是last teaching week的照片。如果今天是我大学生涯的最后一堂课，我想我会难过得哭出来。bonny姐姐说她上课时思绪飘忽，脑海里像放电影一样过着三年来的一幕又一幕。看到她眼里闪着一种难以言述的留念，我心里某根弦啥时间被弹了一下，小小的感伤。

时间，当你越想留住它的时候，它跑得越快。成段成段的回忆足够让你久久黯然神伤。

revision week开始了。我还有一些时间，在去加拿大之前，多看一看这个鸟语花香的可爱校园。